Everyday I seek to write
A really lousy poem
Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,
But today I can be lazy
And write this poem instead
‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.
Tag Archives: Life
Dear Internet: Why The Exception?
You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,
Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.
You can’t make jokes about a race
(At least not to somebody’s face).
You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock
The way one laughs or thinks or talks.
But you can defame or spew hate at
Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.
Filed under Poems
Zero Weddings, A Funeral, And A Reasonable Question
This evening we sit
In memory of
A weekend that
We came to love.
‘Twas two days long,
Five days too short.
Why’s there no satisfying
Single player sport?
Filed under Poems
Logic, American Dream Style
Monday through Friday
My heart’s only dread
Is that midmorning song
That says “get out of bed.”
Yet come days of Satur
And as well days of Sun
My heart sings in the morning
‘Til the day is all done.
For when clocks of alarm
Cracks serenity’s hold
And says “put on your clothes
“And go do what you’re told”
My vigor and pep
Aren’t what they used to be
Like when I was a child
And still blissfully free.
When instead of alarms
To the sun I awaken
And instead of my job
I get pancakes and bacon
My bliss flows more freely
And I feel stronger.
From now on I’ll work weekends
And be miserable longer.
Filed under Poems
Life Without Makeup
Chapped lips, dry skin,
Hair without a bobby pin,
Baggy pants, hairy pits,
A shirt that hides any sign of tits,
Spotty face, mustache line,
Eau de toilette called “big ass pine,”
A house that others call a sty:
Just another great day of being a guy!
Filed under Poems
How I’m About To Meet Your Mother… Or Big Chad, The Inmate
As if unprompted, she said
“I am not a chair! Don’t sit on me!”
I’m not inclined to sit on strangers
But now I kind of want to see…
Filed under Poems
Self-Discovery, The Very-Old Fashioned Way
If I were a trilobite
I’d be very lonely.
I’d go on trilodate.com
But I’d find myself only.
I’d be alone through every night
And have very little fun.
But I realize I don’t know what I trilobite is
And also that I just might be one.
Filed under Poems
Elegy For My Youthful Vigor
‘Tis late! ‘Tis late!
‘Tis nearly dark!
I really should be snoring.
You say “it’s fine,”
But it’s nearly 9:00
And, oh my God, I’m boring!
Filed under Poems
I Am The Paladin Of Unpopular Opinions: Hear Me Speak Semi-Audibly
I hate to say, but modern times
Have brought to bear such modern crimes
As the thought that changing what we call bad things
Will make them fly away on silver wings.
Amidst PC culture’s genital diminution
I seek to find an ancient solution
Because I doubt folks in Pompeii
Said “That eruption’s a hot social event for the end of your day!”
Some say the truth will set you free,
That the ultimate good is reality.
I like to think those things are true,
But no one told the local SJW.
So I’ll just be honest on this, my blog
To cut through society’s “minimally exceptional” fog.
And if you get offended by hearing what’s true
I bet there’s a polite alternative name out there for you.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
I Can’t, On Account Of My Poor Constitution And Admirable Apathy
Just a few hours
Since last I wrote verse
My health and comfort
Have grown ever worse.
I’m caughing and wheezing,
Congested and achy,
Borderline antisocial
And across-the-line flaky.
But I find in this state
Of poor manners and health
I’ve gained more than money…
A much grander wealth:
The fortune and glory
My sickness imposed
Was not giving a shit.
It’s better than I’d supposed.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 