Thirty-six hours in the hospital
And $17,000 dollars later
I regret my Halloween in Florida
And bobbing for that gator…
Tag Archives: Life
Heaven Is Real
This world of ours has beauty
Hidden where you’d least expect.
There’s a chance for redemption
In every life that ends up wrecked.
In every gray face on the corner,
In every drop the clouds can cry,
There’s a way for you to heal
If you only choose to try.
So when the sun stops shining
Take comfort in the shade.
The beauty in the pink of dawn
Is equal to when day fades.
Eagles think they’re falling
When they first learn how to fly.
Love is all around us,
Not just in some beholders eye.
The world has many faces.
Close your eyes, the faces stay.
Whatever you think of the world
It doesn’t change its way.
Regardless of what you may believe
The truth is always true.
If you don’t believe in Heaven,
Heaven still believes in you.
Filed under Poems
I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary
Some sayings sound satisfying
But don’t apply to real life,
Like “what comes up must come down”
Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than Veganism
Were I a can of cheese
Sitting softly on the shelf
I would live a peaceful life,
Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.
I would not fear to be consumed,
Nor to expire or lose my hair.
I would be orange and insubstantial,
Pressured only by compressed air.
And then one fateful afternoon
Should someone spread me out
And eat me, I can surely say
I’ll probably make them pout.
Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can
Is an underrated goal:
Such is my conclusion.
I hope you found this droll.
Filed under Poems
I Really Need To Move To The South Already…
You tell me not to use a straw
Because somewhere in the sea
A turtle was killed by floating trash,
Perhaps produced by me.
And somewhere I imagine
In the ocean, deep and blue,
A turtle chokes on a straw and is grateful
To not be dating you.
Filed under Poems
“Santiago Must Die”
They said I could do anything
If I put my heart into it
But after 17 years in a mariachi metal band
A part of me says “screw it.”
Filed under Poems
The Agonies And TheEcstasies Of Being An Extremely Niche Web Celebrity
Nickelback called me
To let me know
They wrote a song
Inspired by my life.
Part of me feels
Honored by their intention,
But I’ll never listen to the song
Which should save me some strife.
Filed under Poems
He Had Seven Vowels And No Courage
I played scrabble
With my chihuahua.
I played “encumbrance”
Then took a shower,
Hiked twenty miles,
Went to work, went to bed,
Then came back to find
My chihuahua had fled.
It hadn’t played letters,
And my face grew a grin.
I may’ve lost my dog
But still an overall win.
Filed under Poems
No (AKA Why Is Pessimism Such An Ugly Word Anyway?)
If the floor weren’t made of lava
And society wasn’t Hell
And people were polite
And once in a while something went well
And I wasn’t disappointed
By the bills someone probably sent me
And my life wasn’t garbage
Would the glass still be half-empty?
Filed under Poems
Children’s Music
For those of you who do not know
I have a sparse financial pool,
And so to make some extra bucks
I teach chess at the local school.
Now, names are hard to memorize
So sometimes we play games
To have fun, but mostly to
Help master all the names.
One such game is but a song,
Wherein the person pitched
Is sung to in a pattern
In which some letters get switched:
“Jamie jamie bo bamie,
“Bannana-fanna fo famie,
Me, my, mo mamie,
“Jamie.”
Yes, it is a silly game
But it does its job.
The problem is that you don’t want
To make the children sob
So every single child
Gets their own letter-swapping chorus
To help us learn their names
Before they play chess and ignore us.
In the old days all the Jamies,
Davids, Duncans, Kyles, and Joes
Could sing this song as easily
As “Head, shoulders, knees and toes.”
But now all the La’shamquas,
Chimeras, Flexktons, and Ka’drames
Don’t work as well with this song
(And the Aidan/Caden/Jaydensall sound the same).
Still the worst name ever
That I’ve applied this method too
Was a little boy named Tucker
Who didn’t want to go boo-hoo
So a class of twenty children
Sang “bannana-fanna fo…”
Then sang the next line to the principal
Who then told me I had to go.
So that’s why I am hustling
With my chess board in the park.
Sometimes you end up a hero.
Sometimes Tucker makes you a shark.
Filed under Poems
