If you have a friend who is male
Here’s a game that will never get stale:
Find a sports team or three,
Guess who’ll win, disagree…
You’ll be right half the time without fail!
Tag Archives: Humor
Tomato, Tomahtow
My sister called me self-disciplined.
I said, “I don’t know what you mean.”
She said, “You publish a poem EVERY DAY.”
I said, “That’s just low standards and a routine!”
Filed under Poems
The Thief’s Downfall
I scouted out the diamond vault.
I broke in late at night.
I yoga’ed through the laser beams
And set the door alight.
I grabbed the bag of jewels
As the distant sirens screamed,
But as I made my exit
I forgot something, it seemed…
My velvet gloves were black as jet,
My goggles oversized.
My bicycle-powered plane was fast
But soon I realized
I’d left my top hat in the vault
As through the clouds I sailed.
Yes, I got away scot free
But, in my heart, I’d failed.
Filed under Poems
Modern Art
Harry stood on stage,
Took a deep breath,
And said, “The,” for forty days.
Every day another voice joined
For eleven and a half weeks.
On the forty first day,
Harry stood on stage,
Took another deep breath,
And said, “World,”
And the followers waited a day
Before echoing him.
And so it was that Harry
And the multitude who came after
Sang a round, “The World,” in eighty days.
Filed under Poems
In America!
“An apple a day
“Keeps the doctor away,”
Or so my mama said.
“You’ve got no cash
“So you’ll soon turn to ash,”
Is what doctors say instead.
Filed under Poems
Famous Last Words from History
Long ago, when Earth was young
And Blockbuster was a thing
My girlfriend wanted me to find
A Pixar film to bring
So we might watch a family film
Where balloons can lift a house
Because we already saw the ones
With Toys and the gourmet mouse.
So I left home that evening
O’er icy roads to see
If the Blockbuster Video
Would rent us ‘Up’ on DVD.
All was fine at first
Until I parked and stepped outside
At which point I took quite a spill
And eventually I died…
My final act was calling
My beloved on my cell
As I saw the tunnel fill with light
And started off to Hell:
“Hey honey, this is Jeremy.
“You’d best put down your cup.
“I just wanted to let you know
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get ‘Up.'”
Filed under Poems
One Night, But There’s No Standing
She stands tall and beautiful,
Symmetrical and brown.
Little did I know my touch
Will bring her crashing down.
Everyone around her stares
In silence, tense and fun
And I know I must reach out
And be her only one.
I know not where to try my luck,
So I start with her feet
Then move attention to her head,
The first trial complete.
Still she stands, but shaken
By the change in her I’ve wrought.
My hands keep going back to her
Despite how hard I fought.
All through the night I push and pull
And hope that I could change her,
But it is I who lost my nerve
Amidst an air of danger.
I thought I’d stand so tall and proud
And thought she’d do the same.
Alas, together we collapse;
Thus ends the Jenga game.
Filed under Poems
Be Me At 11:49
There once was a poet from here
Who enjoyed quite a bit of good cheer.
He ran out of time
To make comedy rhyme
But I’ll be better soon, never fear!
Filed under Poems
Self-Portrait as Crappy Little Beach
It’s forty-seven Fahrenheit;
The sky and I are gray.
No one smart will sunbathe nude
On my poor sand today.
The waves are lapping loudly
Redefining what I am:
I’m a crappy little beach
In a town called Bellingham.
Observing me are humans,
Ages 3 to ninety-five
And a pair of lazy seagulls
Simply glad to be alive.
My face is made of footprints
Carved from mud and little feet
And a single tiny castle
Built in days when there was heat.
A single browning leaf still flies
Above the tiny moat,
Unnoticed by the passerby
Who try not to emote.
Beside me are some benches
With some names carved on their backs
Of love too poor or humble
To be featured on the plaques.
A lovely woman sits on me
With eyes locked on her phone,
Avoiding passing glances
Though she’s scared to be alone.
I’m here in every season
And I listen when you talk,
Supporting you in silence
As upon my back you walk.
I’ll be here with the sunset
And I’ll welcome you at dawn.
I’m a crappy little beach
Here until you’re long since gone.
Filed under Poems
Starting With The End In Mind
I wanted to be a journalist,
A master of the black and white,
But they said “You can’t ’cause you’re a bear.”
I studied far and wide
And bought the AP style guide,
But still no one would hire me… no fair.
Then one day I got a deal
To write one article for real
About how to better manage stress.
It was temp work, but hey!
Now I’m honest when I say
I am the only true Panda, Ex-Press.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 