Science has concluded
That for most life on earth
The number of penises you have
Is inversely correlated with your odds of giving birth.
Tag Archives: Life
Pictionary
I drew a little stickman
Sitting in a tree
Holding a banana
And my friend said “Chimpanzee.”
I made the stickman hairier
And made his muscles big
And made his nose look stubby
And my friend said “Chimpanzee?”
I made stickman hold a lady
And stand on a skyscraper
And the light in my friend’s eyes turned on
And he said “Big chimpanzee.”
Then I pointed at the picture
And gestured for a while,
Drew the same picture again
And my friend began to smile
And as the sand fell from the timer
He sat up straight and tall
And said “That is Godzilla,”
So I threw him through a wall.
Filed under Poems
What Do You Want For Dinner?
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
Remember The Instigators
Today we thank the eager few
Who gave their lives for me and you,
Who walked through fire, blood, and steel
Knowing well how it would feel,
Enduring all put in their path,
Both human fear and nature’s wrath.
They kept their word and walked the walk
‘Cause politicians wouldn’t talk.
Tomorrow we will thank the few,
Among their number maybe you,
Who stood their ground and bravely said
“We do not want our children dead.”
“We do not need what others own.
We welcome strangers to our home.
The cause of each and every war
Are those in whom our power we store.”
Today remember soldiers late
So those to come won’t share their fate.
There’ll be no “Those who came before”
When humankind says “no” to war.
Filed under Poems
Subtitles Wa, Kawaii Desu
I watched American cartoons
All day every day.
My dad said I should read more
So now I watch anime.
Filed under Poems
The New Theory Of Relativity
If you’re in the bathroom
And a minute passes by
You don’t even notice
That on the other side
The guy outside the bathroom
Has lived 100 years alone
In a near-death state while you
Read your email on your phone.
Filed under Poems
Autobiography, Chapter 1
Writing lousy poems
Is really not that hard.
It doesn’t take a lot of work
To be a blogging bard.
The only bit that’s difficult
Is deciding what to write,
Thus my meta-poetry
At 10 o’clock at night.
Filed under Poems
Gobbledegook
In the wilds of Gobbledegook
Are paths too many overlook.
One path most people think is lost
Leads to a world exempt of cost,
Where man and nature have no laws,
Where an effect may have no cause,
Where you may hear a singsong tune
That smells like sunset on the moon.
The goblins that live in this land
Live lives most thoroughly unplanned,
Not to be shared with people doomed
To travel on a path more groomed.
If you are one who seeks to find
The secrets of the unthought mind,
To seek safety via dangers
Know this: Goblins welcome strangers.
All you need to live for free
Is to stare at what you can’t see.
The best place to start to not look?
Try the wilds of Gobbledegook.
Filed under Poems
58008 is the new 90210
More men than women study math,
Professionally at least.
This is true from North to South
And also West to East.
It’s not because women are dumb
Or men like math by fate…
It’s that all boys love what happens
When you invert 7,251×8.
Filed under Poems
The Circle Of Life
Beneath the cloudless golden sky of Summer,
Atop the countless rainbow leaves of Fall,
In the stinging hail and drifting snow of Winter,
I lived happily ever after after all.
And in the rains and flowery winds of Springtime
When life, besieged by Winter comes to mend,
I find a big ass spider in my shower
And the fairy tale (and spider’s life) must end.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 