A minute with me
Is an hour in Heaven,
But no woman will know
‘Cause I’m five-foot-eleven.
Tag Archives: Love
In Case You’d Forgotten
Back in the Western USA
In 1800 somethin’
A couple cowboys realized
Their hearts, they were a thumpin’.
The cowboys had been life long friends
And though they both were male
They rode to Brokeback Mountain
And they gave up on the trail.
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-yodel-addle-ee!
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-odel-sodomy!
We used to have some cowboys
To protect our town from raids,
But now we have to check
Our cowboy guardians for AIDS!
They use to be quick to the draw
But now they have more fun
With the sheathing than the drawing
Of their aforementioned gun!
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-yodel-addle-ee!
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-odel-sodomy!
One cowboy found his saddle’s
Grown less comfortable with time. He
Found this was the case
Unless their romance they would stymie.
But the cowboys needed horses
Like they found they needed lasses
And they replaced their ponies
With one another’s (whoaaa!)
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-yodel-addle-ee!
Yodel-oodle-yodel-adle-odel-sodomy!
Yodel
Oodle
Yodel
Adel
Odel
Soooooooo…
Doooooooo…
Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Bad Romance
I love you
Like Japan loves tentacles,
Like psychos love murder
And goth teens love pentacles.
I love you
Like Chris Pratt loves his raptors
And people with Stockholm
Syndrome love their captors.
I love you
Like a farmer loves cattle,
Like that one guy you know
Loves leather and a paddle.
I love you
Like Tarantino loves gore
And it’s for these reasons
I can’t see you no more.
Filed under Poems
If “The Red Wheelbarrow” Is Good, Why Isn’t This?
Her love made me warm and fuzzy
Like a bit of french cheese
Left in a sauna over the weekend
But, alas, she had fleas.
Filed under Poems
Widow Lives Matter
Even though her legs are hairy
She’s still beautiful.
Just because her jaw is wide
Doesn’t make her unfeminine.
I don’t love her any less
Just because she has eight legs,
Thirty-seven eyes,
And mandibles to store venom in.
I don’t mind her bug-eating thing
Or her webs around the house,
Her association with evil
And summoning of bad lucks.
The only real area
Where her allure could be improved
Is the part where she kills and eats me
After every time she… well shucks.
Filed under Poems
The 900-Year-Old Virgin
I discovered a Star Wars easter egg
That no one’s noticed yet.
The Jedi forbid romantic love
In times the prequels set.
This ban on love and marriage
As a staple of Jedi law
Lasted from Yoda’s infancy
To his death on Dagobah.
So the Easter egg I mentioned
That everybody missed
Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince
That no one ever kissed.
Filed under Poems
Paper Heart
Twenty years or so before
I turned the age of 24
I feared to give a paper heart
To that one special lass.
Ten years after, now 14
I’ve had my eye on other queens
But my feeling for the paper heart girl
Never seems to pass.
In the present world we find
Our troubled and still childish mind
Called to give the other sex
Eternal loyalty.
I’m loyal to who understands
My paper heart and shaking hands.
Does she still exist? Perhaps
In ten more years we’ll see.
Filed under Poems
I Guess This Makes Me A Bigot, Right?
Go back a century or so
And you’ve got places blacks can’t go.
You’d be shamed to dare to love
A person from a class above.
Today my alma maters wants
To build us “No white student” haunts
And though we seek to seem the same
What’s “Commonplace” is seen as lame.
Back then we fought for equal rights
For blacks and browns and reds and whites.
Now in our “That’s racist” nation
We praise illegal immigration.
Does no one else yet see the flaw
In praising those who break the law,
The symptoms of a dying nation
Shouting for resegregation?
Yes, I want love, so please desist
With calling me “Supremacist”
And maybe past our skin we’ll find
We share a human heart and mind.
Filed under Poems
She’s Lying…
Everything’s fine.
I won’t get mad.
I don’t care about your exes.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll call you right back.
I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.
I really don’t care.
I really don’t mind.
I really (insert anything here).
No, I’m not jealous
And if we get married
I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.
Filed under Poems
Flirting In Canada
I was a man
And she was not.
She hadn’t noticed me
But I thought she was hot.
I approached her politely
And told her “I’m Dan.”
She was, in hindsight, not pleased
So I got two years in the can.
I remember when men
Were not seen as a foe,
But not anymore
Thanks to Justin Trudeau.
Filed under Poems
