So began the monologue:
“Yes, of course I’ll train the dog!”
And in hindsight this we see
Was the greatest lie in history.
Tag Archives: Postaday
The Extent Of My Megalomania (Which Is Also A Good Name For A Country)
If I had my own country…
Let’s call it Placelandia…
I know exactly
The flag I’d want.
It would be all white
But with black letters
That said “Placelandia”
In the biggest possible font.
I think Placelandia
Would be kinda okay
And help elementary school kids
Get, in geography, an A.
Filed under Poems
But Then People Won’t Think Everything In My Life Is Perfect And Be Indifferent/Slightly Insecure About The Whole Thing!
There’s something to be said
For chatting without snap,
Books without face,
Interacting without that crap…
Gramming that’s not instant,
Interests that aren’t pins,
Singing without tweeting.
Real friends don’t need log-ins.
I think our society’s forgotten
The value of offline truth
So why not forget your password
And go enjoy your youth?
Filed under Poems
Why The Chihuahua Doesn’t To Come In My Room Anymore
I’m burning photographs
Of someone that I loved,
Watching ashes dance
From earth to what’s above
And wondering silently
On how it could have been.
Is unwillingness to forgive
Lack of virtue or actual sin?
I hold his body in my arms…
What’s left of it at least.
Who knew that to a warrior
A simple dog was such a beast?
But now I am alone again
My mind already set
On how I can replace
My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.
*Previously unopened… 😭
Filed under Poems
It’s Not Easy Being Anakin
Back when we were younger
I saw you on the sand.
I asked “are you an angel?”
Though I wasn’t yet a man.
Then I left my family
And the only home I knew
To be the kind of wizard
Who deserved a queen like you.
My world with you seemed softer,
Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,
Your presence a temptation
Like the dark side of the force.
I wanted an eternal life
With you, my precious star,
But alas instead of in my heart
I looked for it on Mustafar.
There I had an accident
Involving lava splatter.
My foe had the high ground
But I thought it didn’t matter.
As you died in childbirth
We shared one final “Ow!”
Then your boss gave me a suit
And said “You’re Vader now.”
And now I rule the galaxy
With my evil brand of zen
Until I find that special someone
Who calls me daddy once again.
Thanks State-Funded Early Childhood Education!
I read my child the story
Of a little red poultry whom
I respect, thus its female genitalia
Did not cause me its gender to assume.
My child looked up and said “Parent,
“I like when you do funny voices
“But why can’t we read about princesses
“Then make our own damn political choices?”
Filed under Poems
The Pleasures Of Discomfort
Today I stood out in the rain
And didn’t wear my hood.
It was frigid and soggy, yes,
But still felt pretty good.
I stood and looked at nothing much
And let the boredom grow
And those tiny discomforts helped
Much more than you can know.
I talked to her at a bus stop
And watched her walk away.
I’m stronger from the fire, now
A pot instead of clay.
And as I walk home in a pair
Of shoes devoid of style
Empty pockets will warm my hands.
My whole being is a smile.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It
I think a good name for a dog
Is “Help”
Because when you call after it
Other people look at you
And some of those lookers
Are rich and/or sexy
And enjoy the company
Of cheekily named dogs
And their owners…
Just sayin’.
Filed under Poems
The Solvers and The Havers
Most men enjoy solving problems;
It gives them a meaningful life.
Alas, this is not something wanted
By most men’s eventual wife.
A man will fix up an auto,
A house, a business, a toy,
But it’s not solving problems but having them
That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.
A woman takes pleasure in saying
“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”
Because other women say “me too”
And by such connection grow close.
If a man tells another “I’m hungry”
Another will say “have a snack”
And the problem is solved with five words
And the men to their task may go back.
Now the trouble occurs when the solvers
Treat problem-lovers the same:
A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man
Says “go play a video game.”
Now if the woman obeys him
She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored
And thus need another discomfort
Until her drama-quota’s restored,
So the man has given a solution
Which really won’t help her a bit
So she says “you don’t understand me!”
And runs off and calls him a git.
The man is confused by her answer
But has a solution to that:
He says to himself “bitch be crazy”
And then changes the sink in his flat.
So men, if you want to help women
Be happy then here’s what to do:
Have lots of flaws in your character
So she’ll always have drama with you.
And women, you know how to please a man
And don’t need advising from me,
But (as a man I must say this)
Without drama how happy you’ll be!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 