I think a good name for a dog
Is “Help”
Because when you call after it
Other people look at you
And some of those lookers
Are rich and/or sexy
And enjoy the company
Of cheekily named dogs
And their owners…
Just sayin’.
I think a good name for a dog
Is “Help”
Because when you call after it
Other people look at you
And some of those lookers
Are rich and/or sexy
And enjoy the company
Of cheekily named dogs
And their owners…
Just sayin’.
Filed under Poems
Most men enjoy solving problems;
It gives them a meaningful life.
Alas, this is not something wanted
By most men’s eventual wife.
A man will fix up an auto,
A house, a business, a toy,
But it’s not solving problems but having them
That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.
A woman takes pleasure in saying
“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”
Because other women say “me too”
And by such connection grow close.
If a man tells another “I’m hungry”
Another will say “have a snack”
And the problem is solved with five words
And the men to their task may go back.
Now the trouble occurs when the solvers
Treat problem-lovers the same:
A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man
Says “go play a video game.”
Now if the woman obeys him
She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored
And thus need another discomfort
Until her drama-quota’s restored,
So the man has given a solution
Which really won’t help her a bit
So she says “you don’t understand me!”
And runs off and calls him a git.
The man is confused by her answer
But has a solution to that:
He says to himself “bitch be crazy”
And then changes the sink in his flat.
So men, if you want to help women
Be happy then here’s what to do:
Have lots of flaws in your character
So she’ll always have drama with you.
And women, you know how to please a man
And don’t need advising from me,
But (as a man I must say this)
Without drama how happy you’ll be!
Filed under Poems
Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers.
It seemed to him the decent thing to do,
Then sweated sweetly with some swarthy schleppers
To schlep the peppers way back home to you.
But you, alas, had since left for the seashore
To sell your silly seashells I don’t doubt.
So I went to the park to soothe our offspring.
Didn’t give tidy teeter-totter daughters time to pout.
But somewhere in my heart I felt a tugging…
The tongue-tied tugging you and Jack know well.
I hope it goes away as I fetch water.
But oops! I tripped or slipped. Jill? What the hell?
Filed under Poems
She says she wants a man
Who’ll be honest and true,
Who’ll give her his heart
And support when she’s blue,
Who say they’re old-fashioned
But open to stuff,
Safe and spontaneous,
Non-threatening but buff,
And I can’t help thinking
As I look in her eyes
That I’m glad I’m her cat
And not one of those guys.
It may have been love
If that’s what you call it,
‘Cause I liked her tits
And she liked my wallet.
As it turned out later
Hers and mine were both fake
But we both loosed our hair buns
And took what we could take.
Filed under Poems
I said your boyfriend’s got
A hell of an ass.
You said he’s an amputee.
I said I meant
The ass on his arm.
Now you aren’t friends with me.
Filed under Poems
I love you more than anything,
And if you were to change
Into an evil living-plastic moth
Or something equally strange,
Something ugly, something violent,
Something truly vile to touch
Then I want you to know
That I might not love you quite as much.
Filed under Poems
You’ll remember me
When you smell the sun
On the earth between your toes
In the forest we
Explored as kids,
Where the tree we planted grows.
You’ll remember me
When the bulldogs win,
When you wear my number 9
When you see two kids
Sitting in the stands
Though the lights no longer shine.
You’ll remember me
When you hear our song,
The one I chose to sing
When I kneeled down
And I gave my voice
‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.
You’ll remember me
When our children smile
And ask you for a snack,
As you trim their crust
And recall that day,
When our baby hugged you back.
You’ll remember me
When the house we built
Is serene in Autumn’s glow,
When the snow comes down
And its quiet like
It was eighteen years ago.
You’ll remember me
As our thin white hair
Falls on our Yahtzee game.
You’ll remember this
And so much more
If you’ll just tell me your name.
Filed under Poems