Tag Archives: Relationships

This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It

I think a good name for a dog

Is “Help”

Because when you call after it

Other people look at you

And some of those lookers

Are rich and/or sexy

And enjoy the company

Of cheekily named dogs

And their owners…

Just sayin’.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Solvers and The Havers

Most men enjoy solving problems;

It gives them a meaningful life.

Alas, this is not something wanted

By most men’s eventual wife.

A man will fix up an auto,

A house, a business, a toy,

But it’s not solving problems but having them

That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.

A woman takes pleasure in saying

“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”

Because other women say “me too”

And by such connection grow close.

If a man tells another “I’m hungry”

Another will say “have a snack”

And the problem is solved with five words

And the men to their task may go back.

Now the trouble occurs when the solvers

Treat problem-lovers the same:

A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man

Says “go play a video game.”

Now if the woman obeys him

She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored

And thus need another discomfort

Until her drama-quota’s restored,

So the man has given a solution

Which really won’t help her a bit

So she says “you don’t understand me!”

And runs off and calls him a git.

The man is confused by her answer

But has a solution to that:

He says to himself “bitch be crazy”

And then changes the sink in his flat.

So men, if you want to help women

Be happy then here’s what to do:

Have lots of flaws in your character

So she’ll always have drama with you.

And women, you know how to please a man

And don’t need advising from me,

But (as a man I must say this)

Without drama how happy you’ll be!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Jack Didn’t Sense The Conspiracy Until It Was Too Late

Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers.

It seemed to him the decent thing to do,

Then sweated sweetly with some swarthy schleppers

To schlep the peppers way back home to you.

But you, alas, had since left for the seashore

To sell your silly seashells I don’t doubt.

So I went to the park to soothe our offspring.

Didn’t give tidy teeter-totter daughters time to pout.

But somewhere in my heart I felt a tugging…

The tongue-tied tugging you and Jack know well.

I hope it goes away as I fetch water.

But oops! I tripped or slipped. Jill? What the hell?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tom Is The Perfect Man

She says she wants a man

Who’ll be honest and true,

Who’ll give her his heart

And support when she’s blue,

Who say they’re old-fashioned

But open to stuff,

Safe and spontaneous,

Non-threatening but buff,

And I can’t help thinking

As I look in her eyes

That I’m glad I’m her cat

And not one of those guys.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Romance, California Style

It may have been love

If that’s what you call it,

‘Cause I liked her tits

And she liked my wallet.

As it turned out later

Hers and mine were both fake

But we both loosed our hair buns

And took what we could take.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Hauling You

I said your boyfriend’s got

A hell of an ass.

You said he’s an amputee.

I said I meant

The ass on his arm.

Now you aren’t friends with me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Let’s Be Honest (Because Hallmark Isn’t)

I love you more than anything,

And if you were to change

Into an evil living-plastic moth

Or something equally strange,

Something ugly, something violent,

Something truly vile to touch

Then I want you to know

That I might not love you quite as much.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Too Soon?

You’ll remember me

When you smell the sun

On the earth between your toes

In the forest we

Explored as kids,

Where the tree we planted grows.

You’ll remember me

When the bulldogs win,

When you wear my number 9

When you see two kids

Sitting in the stands

Though the lights no longer shine.

You’ll remember me

When you hear our song,

The one I chose to sing

When I kneeled down

And I gave my voice

‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.

You’ll remember me

When our children smile

And ask you for a snack,

As you trim their crust

And recall that day,

When our baby hugged you back.

You’ll remember me

When the house we built

Is serene in Autumn’s glow,

When the snow comes down

And its quiet like

It was eighteen years ago.

You’ll remember me

As our thin white hair

Falls on our Yahtzee game.

You’ll remember this

And so much more

If you’ll just tell me your name.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Here’s Where “All The Good Men” Are Going

They said I could dance if I wanted,

But I didn’t pay them no mind.

I said my friends don’t dance

And since they don’t dance

I’ll happily respond in kind.

They said I could wink if I wanted,

Use my privilege as a white male,

But if the non-dancers

Spew their postmodern cancers

Then I’ll probably end up in jail.

The jail guys dance if they wanna.

They’ll dance with convict behinds,

And since they’re “oppressed”

They don’t second guess

To ask if their partner minds.

So thanks but no thanks to the dancing.

I’ll enjoy my private gloom

‘Cause I don’t want the event

Of past-tense non-consent

To be my freedom’s doom.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Facebook “Conversations”

You know that feeling

When you have to sneeze but can’t

And your nose you already blew?

Imagine that feeling

For an hour or so.

That’s how it feels to be talking with you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems