You ask me how I got these cars.
I say “at the Chevy dealer.”
Then I realize you said “scars”
And I say “potato peeler.”
I now know two things very well:
I look like an evil clown
And local sales of Chevrolets
Are going to go way down.
Tag Archives: Silly
That’s Pronounced “She-it”
Apparently my teachers were wrong
And there aren’t boys and girls.
Turns out gender is “representational,”
Or so the new story unfurls.
Seeing that sex doesn’t matter
To whether you’re he, she, or other
I think we need a singular pronoun
That applies equally to one another.
In the past we were male and female
And likewise called he or she.
Apparently the gender-neutral
Is also important, so they tell me.
So I have an unbiased option
To represent them, me, and you:
We can just say humans are SHeIt.
It has all three pronouns, and also is true!
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I Get Mated By A Horse… Hehe
The pawns do naught but marching,
And often do they fall
For little more than hoping
That they’ll become queen after all.
The knights and bishops frolick
In the middle of the war,
Killed quickly by the competent
Or else begin to snore.
The rooks are oh so deadly,
The queen more fatal still
For these are weapons useful
To those of any skill.
But in the end I’m happy
That kingliness fell to me.
For every win I get the credit
And if I lose I mate for free!
Filed under Poems
I’m (Almost) Too Hungry To Shamelessly Plug…
Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Chemistry
Blood is thicker than water.
Water is thicker than air.
Air isn’t thicker than anything
Which doesn’t seem very fair.
So chemists invented some elements
That made air feel less thin,
Thus air is thicker than helium.
So did modern science begin.
Filed under Poems
Not Your Average Love
She was a starving art history student,
Forced by fate towards whatever was prudent,
Yet she had a temptation she could not evade…
A man, in a sense, who with her heart played.
He was the Egyptian God of the dead,
With unlimited power and an animal’s head,
Yet despite devestation he doled out at will
His heart had an urge that he just couldn’t kill.
Her focus was on just money and Monet.
All of existence was under his sway.
She spent her days in the study of cubists.
He spent his evenings just being Anubis.
Somehow the two met at a holiday party.
She thought him a bad boy. He thought her a smarty.
The exchanged numbers and met up for brunch.
She loved his mystique. He loved how her bones crunch.
Yet, deep as their love was, they each said good bye
For they’d not live together unless she would die.
So ends the tale of this starcrossed romance
Of a girl and a God, both with un-gotten-into-pants.
Filed under Poems
Honest Kids
I said “kinda farty,”
And mommy got mad.
That’s what her dinner tasted like.
Now I live alone with Dad.
Filed under Poems
Dr. Seuss Beware!
There was a skunk named Dink
Who didn’t stink,
Which, at least for Dink, stank.
He played at skunk school
But smelled really cool
And thus his social standing sank.
They flunked the poor skunk
And he packed up his trunk.
He greatly disliked the school’s thinking,
But he too understood
Skunks can’t be what they should
If said skunks stunk like Dink did at stinking.
Filed under Poems
Night Shift (Every Walmart Ever)
Sleepwalking,
Night stalking…
Insomnia is killing me.
Dead of night,
I feel no fright.
Just a few more hours ’til I’m free.
With empty hearts
And bulging carts
They leave my shelves so very bare.
Their hands are deep
In all that’s cheap.
At these poor beasts I stare.
All these hours
Living in a haze
Just a few more days
On the night shift.
I waste my life
Repeating strife,
Putting boxes back on the shelves.
My peers and I
Just want to cry,
Go home and be all by ourselves.
I ain’t got paid,
But I’ve quit and stayed.
Oh! How that paycheck calls…
I say I’ll walk,
But it’s all talk.
I haven’t got the balls.
All these hours
Hoping its a phase.
Counting down the days
On the night shift.
Then in an instant
I hear the TV:
“Todays winning numbers are
“7, 6, 5, 4, 3.”
Thirty-eight million dollars
Are mine! All mine! Then…
My boss yells “you’re fired
“If you doze off again.”
All these hours
And finally an excuse…
No need for such abuse…
Time to take another snooze…
On the night shift.
Not Really… #YOLO
Thirty-six hours in the hospital
And $17,000 dollars later
I regret my Halloween in Florida
And bobbing for that gator…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 