Category Archives: Poems

Dragons > National Debt

A princess was stolen by dragons

Some hundreds of eons ago

And instead of waiting to be slain

The dragons just stir-fried the hoe.

The kingdom saved money on dresses

And a new sense of peace was acquired.

The dragons had balls, which meant

That dancing at balls ain’t required.

The knights stopped jousting each other

For no prizes were there to be won,

And the taxes went down, people made fewer gowns,

And the populace had lots of fun.

When you don’t have to pay for a princess

How happy the white knights can get.

The only downside is the dragons

Whose tummies have gotten upset.

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For Those Of You Wondering…

Whether getting or giving,

As long as you’re living,

No matter how epic the thrift

It will always be true…

(Just between me and you)

Life insurance is a bad birthday gift.

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You Expected A Rhyme? I Expected A Nurturing Home Environment. Ha!

If you’re the type of person

Who’d name their child “Splorch”

I want to meet you

Because my name is Splorch

And my parents left me

When I was young

And you’re probably them.

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People Who Don’t Know What “Masticating” Means Are Going To Think This Poem Is Weirder Than It Actually Is

My hands are very cold

As I stand outside at night

Typing in this crummy poem

Because I just have too, all right?

Earlier I was occupied

With eating what I was masticating

But as I suffer in the moment

I regret procrastinating.

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There’s Joy In Mudville Again!

Blair Walsh missed three tries tonight.

He didn’t have a choice.

The fans will go home sobbing,

But Mighty Casey will rejoice.

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Yours Truly Goes To A Restaurant

Whether you like mozzarella

Or “anything, as long as its yella”

If you say thank-a-you and please

Then come on down and have some cheese!

We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,

From naked sheep and sheep with coats,

From pigs and deer and even moles.

How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!

It tastes like heaven. You can check!

It makes the hairs stand on your neck.

And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!

Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…

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Jumping For Joy?

They said: Let go your sorrows,

Let go all your regrets,

Let go your fear of failure,

Your worries and your debts.

For a while I was happier

As you probably have seen.

Next time I’ll release my stress

After I leave the trampoline.

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The Night Club

‘Twas deep in the evening,

Way the heck into night.

Unlit things were dark

And dark things weren’t light.

It was nothing like morning,

Like super late afternoon,

And she’s talked like this all evening

And I hope this date ends soon.

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Mr. Infallible and the Plague of Other People

In a very distant city

In some un-noteworthy land

There stood a shabby little shack

Which housed the one all-knowing man.

The man was very happy

Because he knew how to be so,

Yet he had a common problem

And away it would not go.

The problem he experienced

Was, despite his knowing all

The people who surrounded him

Would never heed his call.

A wolf would eat a neighbor,

A child would lose its way;

To the second he’d predict these

Yet the man still had no say.

He knew of no solution

And, knowing all, he knew no hope

So he lived a life of nothing

As a shack-dwelling all-knowing dope.

Yet the answer to his problems

Had been with him all along.

‘Twas the one thing he could not accept…

That, maybe, he was wrong.

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The Real Darkness Approaches…

Once a year we celebrate

The gruesome and bizarre,

The stuff that gives clowns nightmares

And makes wolves hide under cars.

We make light of the horrific,

Let go the values we hold dear…

We call this celebration “tax day”

And it’ll come in half a year.

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