I splatter unborn baby birds
Onto a burning pan
And eat them with some cattle flesh.
It’s great to be a man!
Category Archives: Poems
True Love? Oh Baby!
I saw her in a Pampers ad
During some mindless family show.
I’d not ’til then fallen in love
But that’s the way things go.
I loved the sunshine in her hair,
The drool upon her chin,
The way the super-absorbency
Accented her alabaster skin.
I called the network, desperately
Seeking to find her name
But I couldn’t connect with anyone.
My only other option? Fame!
I scored a role in a ketchup ad,
Then became a multi-roler
When I starred as the kid who modeled
The Cadillac B-90 Stroller.
I was the hottest babe in Hollywood,
Beloved for being small,
Yet still I’d not connected with her
For whom I’d done it all.
And so my heart goes on and on,
Never to bestill.
I pray I’ll play beside her,
The Jack unto her Jill.
Until that fateful future day
I spend my nights alone,
Just me and my beloved
Via Youtube on my phone.
Filed under Poems
Summertime In Washington State
When in the Summer
Humid, hot,
You’re AC’s working…
Wait, it’s not.
You’re sweating, panting,
Hope has died,
Your thoughts have turned
To homicide…
My days are filled
With thoughts like these.
Can you believe
It’s 78 degrees?
Filed under Poems
Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor
A religious type of joke
Is often what offends
An amazing group of people’s
Imaginary friends.
I will mock all religions
In this poem I now write
Except, or course, for Islam
‘Cause I’m flammable and white.
I saw a gay pride event
As I was walking to my car.
They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church
So the priests needn’t walk too far.
I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke
And so I took a stab. I
Think they might have laughed had I
Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.
I met a “spiritual but not religious”
Person just the other day.
I asked them “is my latte ready?”
They said “yes, now go away.”
I’m not sure about Agnostics.
If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.
The Buddhists suffer eternally
Whether or not they read this poem.
I want to end with one last joke
To make you giggle or scoff:
Don’t get circumcised on a budget
‘Cause it might be a rip off.
Yes, And: Suicide Prevention
I said to my therapist
“I want to end it all,
To solve all of my problems
With a gun and/or a fall.”
My therapist nodded grimly,
Stared up at the ceiling fan,
And said “well, you’ve convinced me.
Thanks a million, man!”
In the end, I didn’t kill myself,
As nice as that would be
‘Cause when I die another problem
Will be waiting there for me.
Filed under Poems
Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed
I lay in bed one humid eve
When through the window came
A mysterious hooded figure
With neither face nor name.
He tied me to my bedframe,
Shaved my head and ate my food,
Downloaded my shopping preferences
And data about my mood.
He stole my cash and passwords
And he burned all my receipts
Then showed me banner advertisements
For Sprint and flannel sheets.
He listened to my phone calls
And sold recordings to Taiwan.
These unusual torments
Lasted all the way ’til dawn.
He changed my LinkedIn profile
And made me look inept,
Then left a calling card which said
“Read before you click Accept.”
Filed under Poems
The Kinda-Mostly-True Life of Bobby Fischer
I was a child prodigy,
A master at young age,
A Grandmaster at age seven,
A prepubescent sage.
Yet time passed by and I got old.
My skills increased as well,
Yet now that I’m a grown-up guy
I’ve lost the magic spell.
Instead of great, unique, and wise
I’m seen as “kinda lame,”
Forty years old, I’ve spent my life
Playing an old board game.
So what happened? What really changed?
Is greatness not enough?
When I was young my life was ease,
But now my life is tough?
It seems as if flying around,
Moving pawns on a board,
Winning trophies and title bouts
Is more impressive when you’re four?
Well then, screw that! I’m done with chess!
I’m moving far away
To be a scary racist hermit
And with myself I’ll play!
But now they call me back to play
A world championship game.
The cold war hinges on my success;
Such is the price of fame.
But afterwards I’m gone again
And that’s just fine with me.
My only hope’s that they will make
A movie about searching for me.
Filed under Poems
East/West > North
When I grow up
I’ll be famous and rich,
Just like the writer
Of “Lilo and Stitch.”
I’ll be a performer
Or some type of magnate.
I’ll be a leader, a champion…
It’ll be great!
Growing up’s so exciting
I’m just ready to burst!
On the other hand, maybe
I’ll grow sideways a bit first…
Filed under Poems
Three Films For The Dork Lords On Their Basement Thrones (LotR)
We’ve all seen movies
That we adore.
We’ll watch them ten times,
Then ten more!
Sure, you know it
Line for line
But that’s not boring!
That’s just fine!
These films are family,
Allies, friends.
We love their journeys
Despite familiar ends.
To love such things
Need not be wrong,
But alas, my favorites
Are 12 hours long…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 