The Good Orange: An Artificially Intelligent Poem

Today I decided to test the ability of our future robot overlords. What follows is a poem written by the predictive keyboard in my phone… basically me if I were a robot and not a lazy blogger.

The woman who needs a job

Is a good orange

And the only thing that is not a good idea

Is to be the one you want.

The woman who needs a job

Is a good orange

And orange is a great app

And the only thing that is not a problem

Was the only thing I could see.

The woman who needs to be the daughter

Is the only one I noticed.

About the way you want it:

You are the only thing I want.

Needless to say, I think world domination by artificial intelligence is a long way off!

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The Shape Of Water

Last year the guys in Hollywood

Passed on the script I submitted

Wherein a disabled janitor

Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.

Now the very same movie

Wins the Oscar for picture, best.

If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…

It’s all in the details, I guess!

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She’s Not Worth It

A girl whom I admire

Asked me “do you want to go

“To an all-inclusive, safe-space

“Fair-trade, vegan comedy show?”

She said, if not, I could suggest

Something I think’s more fun

Which is why this weekend

I got a colonoscopy done.

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“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name

If you go to prison

It’d probably be lame

If your parents gave you

A come-hither name

‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”

Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”

You’re probably in trouble.

That’s why you’re named “Flay.”

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Well, It’s Skinny, White, And Smells Good (If That’s Your Type)

I think a dentist’s love

For dental floss is overstated.

I mean, sure, it cleans your teeth

But would you really want to date it?

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Unsatisfied with today’s love poem?

So was my last girlfriend.

Unlike her, you can inspire me to create something valuable and non-toxic by checking out my Patreon

Also Marvin, if you ever become a woman again, call me!

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Single Man Seeking Non-Sequitur, Dirty-Minded Grammar Nazi Female

You laughed at me unreasonably

When I said “my name is Ben”

‘Cause you were thinking of the ’50s

When a lot of future men

Had names like Richard Jr.

But went by “Little Dick,”

And after you told me this

I knew you’re a girl whom up I should pick.

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Don’t Be An Ass

Whosoever writeth thus

In styles archaic and old

Shall not retain a salary

And, as consequence, is cold

For whosoever writeth

In a manner hard to read

Is but a fool or PhD,

Neither of which fulfills a need.

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Or You Mite Be Letting Siri Type Four Ewe

If you prey at a alter

And like you’re time their,

You watch the news and think

That how the world works isnt fare,

Youve misplaced yor resume

But will happily give you the jist

Than you might bee looking four jobs

Via a web sight like Craigslist.

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Hipster Children

I really liked green eggs and ham.

I really, really gave a damn.

Then they wrote the book and whoo!

Everybody loved it too.

Now I hate green eggs and ham,

That Dr. Seuss and Sam-I-Am.

I hate them so much I can burst,

Yet proudly say I loved them first.

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Was That A Buzz? Could Be Important…

Smell the golden ocean’s breeze,

See the twinkling distant shore.

The flashing red of car brakes

Shine like Christmas at sunset.

The city’s sound is footsteps

On a snowy concrete floor.

And in that eternal moment

Life’s as good as it can get.

The Gods look down in wonder

From wherever they may be

And the windy shaking cedars

Loose a low ecstatic moan.

And in that time and space is love

For all the world to see

Except for all the people

Who think “I should check my phone.”

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