The neighbor’s chihuahua
Is barking next door.
The children threw up
On the living room floor.
A road crew’s jackhammer
Is going to work
And the top trending hashtags
Are #MeToo and #Twerk.
The wife is yelling
That the kids won’t be quiet.
The kids say “it’s Trump’s fault”
And he doesn’t deny it.
And in this glorious moment
That, to you, might seem stressful
I begin to know why
Helen Keller was so successful.
Filed under Poems
“Red umbrella on a bench
Next to homeless guy with stench.
Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp
Are both umbrella and the tramp.
They’ve been friends since ’98
When he bought it, as if by fate.
Together they’ve been through a lot.
They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.
The hobo and umbrella pair
Possess a sense of laissez-faire.
It seems for them that things look up
As they count coins in their half-full cup.
Then they lynch a passerby;
Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”
This is why you should always look
Before you buy a children’s book!
Filed under Poems
Two feet from where I’m sitting
There’s a mighty gale I hear.
I thought a bird hit my window,
But turns out it was a deer.
At the zoo a fish died (drowning)
And some penguins froze to death.
A politician stopped complaining
And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”
I watched a Chris Rock movie
And not one person cussed
And in exactly fifteen minutes
I have to leave to catch the bus.
Filed under Poems
For all of the work
U’ve put into my life,
Can I ever thank you enough?
Kause of you I can say
Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I
Own a whole lot more stuff!
Ur name here <~~~~
Filed under Poems
The car windows are steamy.
My chest is warm and bare.
My fingers tingle, running
Gently through her golden hair.
Her chin is in my fingers
And I pull her lips to mine.
Our tongues do dance a tango
That defines the word divine.
I pause, she gasps and whimpers
But I say “I’ll be back soon.”
I step into the parking lot
Beneath the crescent moon.
I can read “humane society”
Despite the evening fog.
I tell the clerk “I’ll take her,”
And that’s how I met my dog.
Filed under Poems
Gary was outnumbered
A thousand to one.
He had some chopsticks,
They all had guns,
But he screamed “for freedom!”
And charged at the rest.
I cried behind a rock and lived
So my battle cry was best.
Filed under Poems
A princess was stolen by dragons
Some hundreds of eons ago
And instead of waiting to be slain
The dragons just stir-fried the hoe.
The kingdom saved money on dresses
And a new sense of peace was acquired.
The dragons had balls, which meant
That dancing at balls ain’t required.
The knights stopped jousting each other
For no prizes were there to be won,
And the taxes went down, people made fewer gowns,
And the populace had lots of fun.
When you don’t have to pay for a princess
How happy the white knights can get.
The only downside is the dragons
Whose tummies have gotten upset.
Whether getting or giving,
As long as you’re living,
No matter how epic the thrift
It will always be true…
(Just between me and you)
Life insurance is a bad birthday gift.
Filed under Poems
If you’re the type of person
Who’d name their child “Splorch”
I want to meet you
Because my name is Splorch
And my parents left me
When I was young
And you’re probably them.
Filed under Poems
My hands are very cold
As I stand outside at night
Typing in this crummy poem
Because I just have too, all right?
Earlier I was occupied
With eating what I was masticating
But as I suffer in the moment
I regret procrastinating.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 