Some sayings sound satisfying
But don’t apply to real life,
Like “what comes up must come down”
Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…
Tag Archives: Stupid
Still Better Than Veganism
Were I a can of cheese
Sitting softly on the shelf
I would live a peaceful life,
Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.
I would not fear to be consumed,
Nor to expire or lose my hair.
I would be orange and insubstantial,
Pressured only by compressed air.
And then one fateful afternoon
Should someone spread me out
And eat me, I can surely say
I’ll probably make them pout.
Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can
Is an underrated goal:
Such is my conclusion.
I hope you found this droll.
Filed under Poems
Why I Got A Hepatitis-F On My Biology Exam
“Hepatitis A
And Hepatitis B
Are differentiated by
The number of hours they study.”
Filed under Poems
“Santiago Must Die”
They said I could do anything
If I put my heart into it
But after 17 years in a mariachi metal band
A part of me says “screw it.”
Filed under Poems
The Agonies And TheEcstasies Of Being An Extremely Niche Web Celebrity
Nickelback called me
To let me know
They wrote a song
Inspired by my life.
Part of me feels
Honored by their intention,
But I’ll never listen to the song
Which should save me some strife.
Filed under Poems
How To Make French Toast?
Could somebody help me, perchance?
I’m vacationing somewhere in France
And my most gracious host
Asked to make them a toast
But objected when the eggs and cream got on their pants…
Filed under Poems
The Kaepernick Song
I say you can kneel if you wanna
Before you play behind the line,
But if your political stance
Draws an unpopular glance
Then you’ll be on no team of mine!
Filed under Poems
Not A Peppy Pepsi Poem
I wanted to write something witty
About coaxing cans of Coke
Somehow involving slang cocaine
But then my noggin broke.
Now I’m writing a poem
About how my dreams aren’t coming true.
Sounds like 2017
To me. How ’bout to you?
Filed under Poems
An Excerpt From Baltimore’s “Most Popular Baby Names”
I really don’t think I shoulda
Named my child Barracuda.
At first I thought I’d go with Sid,”
And now I wish did,
But when I named him I was living in the hood-a.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 