Last year the guys in Hollywood
Passed on the script I submitted
Wherein a disabled janitor
Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.
Now the very same movie
Wins the Oscar for picture, best.
If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…
It’s all in the details, I guess!
A girl whom I admire
Asked me “do you want to go
“To an all-inclusive, safe-space
“Fair-trade, vegan comedy show?”
She said, if not, I could suggest
Something I think’s more fun
Which is why this weekend
I got a colonoscopy done.
Filed under Poems
If you go to prison
It’d probably be lame
If your parents gave you
A come-hither name
‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”
Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”
You’re probably in trouble.
That’s why you’re named “Flay.”
Filed under Poems
I think a dentist’s love
For dental floss is overstated.
I mean, sure, it cleans your teeth
But would you really want to date it?
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Unsatisfied with today’s love poem?
So was my last girlfriend.
Unlike her, you can inspire me to create something valuable and non-toxic by checking out my Patreon
Also Marvin, if you ever become a woman again, call me!
Filed under Poems
You laughed at me unreasonably
When I said “my name is Ben”
‘Cause you were thinking of the ’50s
When a lot of future men
Had names like Richard Jr.
But went by “Little Dick,”
And after you told me this
I knew you’re a girl whom up I should pick.
Filed under Poems
Whosoever writeth thus
In styles archaic and old
Shall not retain a salary
And, as consequence, is cold
For whosoever writeth
In a manner hard to read
Is but a fool or PhD,
Neither of which fulfills a need.
Filed under Poems
If you prey at a alter
And like you’re time their,
You watch the news and think
That how the world works isnt fare,
Youve misplaced yor resume
But will happily give you the jist
Than you might bee looking four jobs
Via a web sight like Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
I really liked green eggs and ham.
I really, really gave a damn.
Then they wrote the book and whoo!
Everybody loved it too.
Now I hate green eggs and ham,
That Dr. Seuss and Sam-I-Am.
I hate them so much I can burst,
Yet proudly say I loved them first.
Filed under Poems
Smell the golden ocean’s breeze,
See the twinkling distant shore.
The flashing red of car brakes
Shine like Christmas at sunset.
The city’s sound is footsteps
On a snowy concrete floor.
And in that eternal moment
Life’s as good as it can get.
The Gods look down in wonder
From wherever they may be
And the windy shaking cedars
Loose a low ecstatic moan.
And in that time and space is love
For all the world to see
Except for all the people
Who think “I should check my phone.”
Filed under Poems
If I were a monster
I’d want to be Godzilla.
He’s the definition of
A true cold-blooded killa’.
And if the other monsters
Were being unfriendly blokes
I could prob’ly diss them with
A good “your Mothra” joke.
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If I could be a monster
A dragon’d be real swell.
If I exhale heavily
The room would go to Hell.
I’d hang out with princesses
And burn knights on a stick
And although I couldn’t use it much
I’d have a giant… wingspan.
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I want to be a monster
And as a white man I’m quite close.
If only I could do something
That’s really, really gross…
All these thoughts of monsters
Have really gotten to me,
But since I can’t be Godzilla
I’ll just vote for Hillary!
The Daily Travesty 