Shorts are the least sexy
Item of clothing
A human can possibly wear,
Beating out Birkenstocks,
Codpieces, bandanas,
And even trench coats made of hair.
I see Lady Gaga
Wear a dress of raw meat
And I think “Well, I guess it’s okay.”
But if I see your knees
And you’re not in a skirt
Then you’ve probably ruined my day.
Filed under Poems
If you have a snake for a pet
I think it’s a pretty safe bet
That you have one or two kidneys.
You thought this would end differently?
How judgmental can you get?
Filed under Poems
If one’s life relies upon
The lungs of an automaton
Prudence dictates to be couth
With the medical attendant youth.
Everything can be made worse
When dealing with a jilted nurse
So to those on life support:
Life’s long unless your temper’s short.
Filed under Poems
If a child can decide to be
A gender they weren’t born,
Can know their sexual preferences
Then, honestly, I’m torn…
I think that future pedophiles
In elementary school
Might worry about fitting in
(And I don’t mean being cool).
——————————————————–
I once dated a Japanese girl.
When we broke up I tried to be nice.
She didn’t understand the first time
So I had to drop the bomb twice.
——————————————————–
I asked a guy in a wheelchair
“Who’s your favorite actor.”
The guy replied “Christopher Reeve.”
He asked me “Who’s yours?”
I said “Christopher Walken,”
And then the guy asked me to leave.
——————————————————–
One more joke for this morning,
And this one’s as good as it gets:
Who are Iraq’s athletic heroes?
That would be the ’01 New York Jets.
Filed under Poems
I opened a bottle of root beer
And smiled at the sweetness and fizz.
You probably don’t think that sounds racist
But I’m white, so it probably is.
Filed under Poems
I think if I were a nun
I’d want to carry a gun
‘Cause I wouldn’t enjoy
Being mistook for a boy
When the priest says he wants to “have fun.”
Filed under Poems
It took almost six whole years
But this blog has made it’s mark.
One-thousand and five subscribers
Have felt TDT’s spark.
It proves, with dedication,
Anyone can win it:
I did in 69 months
What a bikini-clad person does in minutes!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
I love you
Like Japan loves tentacles,
Like psychos love murder
And goth teens love pentacles.
I love you
Like Chris Pratt loves his raptors
And people with Stockholm
Syndrome love their captors.
I love you
Like a farmer loves cattle,
Like that one guy you know
Loves leather and a paddle.
I love you
Like Tarantino loves gore
And it’s for these reasons
I can’t see you no more.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the week before football
And all through the States
Everyone outside Boston
Came to terms with their fates.
So many Don’taes,
Tyrones, and Lamars
Checked if Wendy’s needed
Someone who could lift cars.
Meanwhile those lucky
To remain on their teams
Prayed the ACL gods
Would not ruin their dreams.
The fans were all cozy
Wrapped up on their couches
While the TV says who’ll be
The sleepers and slouches.
And a tenth of a billion
Mostly female folks
Didn’t see the appeal
Of tackling blokes,
Yet still two-hundred-million
Pulled on overpriced shirts
With the last name of someone
Whose whole body hurts.
They’ll sit back to watch
As the combat begins.
They’ll be happy as long
As their animal wins.
Filed under Poems
The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout.
Down came the fist!
It’s guts went spilling out.
Out came the kleenex
To wipe the guts away
And the not-so-puny human
Just went on with his day.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 