Chapped lips, dry skin,
Hair without a bobby pin,
Baggy pants, hairy pits,
A shirt that hides any sign of tits,
Spotty face, mustache line,
Eau de toilette called “big ass pine,”
A house that others call a sty:
Just another great day of being a guy!
Tag Archives: Truth
Play To Your Outs
If I played a chess game
With some super-intelligent flies
I think I’d probably win
On account of superior size.
Filed under Poems
The Present Present Is Presented By Presence
Your presence
Is like the absence
Of a present
Of being absent.
That’s how I feel
Which is to say
Your absence is a present
So please go away.
Filed under Poems
Questionable Pickup Line #473
If you see a girl you like
And say to her “my name is Mike”
Then it’d be a real shame
If that weren’t your real name.
Filed under Poems
I Am The Paladin Of Unpopular Opinions: Hear Me Speak Semi-Audibly
I hate to say, but modern times
Have brought to bear such modern crimes
As the thought that changing what we call bad things
Will make them fly away on silver wings.
Amidst PC culture’s genital diminution
I seek to find an ancient solution
Because I doubt folks in Pompeii
Said “That eruption’s a hot social event for the end of your day!”
Some say the truth will set you free,
That the ultimate good is reality.
I like to think those things are true,
But no one told the local SJW.
So I’ll just be honest on this, my blog
To cut through society’s “minimally exceptional” fog.
And if you get offended by hearing what’s true
I bet there’s a polite alternative name out there for you.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed
I lay in bed one humid eve
When through the window came
A mysterious hooded figure
With neither face nor name.
He tied me to my bedframe,
Shaved my head and ate my food,
Downloaded my shopping preferences
And data about my mood.
He stole my cash and passwords
And he burned all my receipts
Then showed me banner advertisements
For Sprint and flannel sheets.
He listened to my phone calls
And sold recordings to Taiwan.
These unusual torments
Lasted all the way ’til dawn.
He changed my LinkedIn profile
And made me look inept,
Then left a calling card which said
“Read before you click Accept.”
Filed under Poems
Time Management
I’ve got a flight
Tomorrow at noon.
It boards at 11:00,
An hour too soon.
I need to be
At the gate by 10:00 an’
That means to be safe
I’ll shoot for 9:07.
To get there by 9:00
I should leave around 8:00
So we’ll say 7:30
In case I run late.
I should set my alarm
To give myself time
To fully prepare
So let’s say 6:09.
When you figure in traffic,
Potential assaults,
The phase of the moon,
And seismological faults
I left yesterday
At 11:08
All the while disappointed
That I’ll probably be late.
Filed under Poems
Remember November
What’s sharp and made of plastic
And smells like chalk and spit?
I don’t know, but I’d enjoy
A chance to vote for it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 