If I were a vampire,
Unfazed by passing time
I’d find a cure for cancer
And think of a less obvious rhyme.
I’d write the greatest music
The world would ever hear.
I’d usher in an age of peace
And put an end to fear.
I’d find a cure for bloodlust
(My own and others too)
And take vitamin D pills
So lack of sunlight wouldn’t make me feel blue.
But, alas, those people
Who became immortal blood-diners
Used it to go to high school for 300 years,
Play baseball, and seduce minors.
Filed under Poems
Eye halve know aye Dia
Howe thoughs hoo dew knot no
How-to spellin’ English
Kant fig your it out, sew
Threw this Han dee poem
I salve Mai own dill Emma.
Hi expect, inn learning spannish
Their Will bee Noooooo! problema.
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Roses are red,
Roses are white,
Roses are yellow and pink.
Your are like a rose
As you have many facets
But, unlike a rose, they all stink.
Filed under Poems
Even though her legs are hairy
She’s still beautiful.
Just because her jaw is wide
Doesn’t make her unfeminine.
I don’t love her any less
Just because she has eight legs,
Thirty-seven eyes,
And mandibles to store venom in.
I don’t mind her bug-eating thing
Or her webs around the house,
Her association with evil
And summoning of bad lucks.
The only real area
Where her allure could be improved
Is the part where she kills and eats me
After every time she… well shucks.
Filed under Poems
The greatest mistakes man has committed
Are deferring their joy to be wealthy
And the not telling a lie when it was discovered
That eating kale was healthy.
Filed under Poems
If you want to feel sadder
Than you’ve ever felt
Imagine a world
In which cheese doesn’t melt.
Filed under Poems
I discovered a Star Wars easter egg
That no one’s noticed yet.
The Jedi forbid romantic love
In times the prequels set.
This ban on love and marriage
As a staple of Jedi law
Lasted from Yoda’s infancy
To his death on Dagobah.
So the Easter egg I mentioned
That everybody missed
Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince
That no one ever kissed.
Filed under Poems
They said man wouldn’t walk on the moon
But a few brave souls proved them wrong.
People still pay to see an opera by Wagner
That’s more than 24 hours long.
People say “finding your passion” is silly
But it sounds like a solid idea to me.
But we’ll never have a Jurassic Park movie
Featuring common sense and decent security.
Filed under Poems
You say I have privilege
Because I’m male and white.
You call me uninformed
Because I don’t think you’re right.
You can have my privilege too.
All you must do to try it
Is to move out of the cities
Where “recreation” means “to riot.”
You can disagree with me
While you drink another beer
Thanks to taxes paid by this poet
Making 4-figures a year.
Filed under Poems
Somewhere around fifth grade
I asked myself why
I should work to make money
‘Til I get sick and die.
So I sought counter-culture,
Tried to listen to rap
But found “counter-culture”
Espoused the same crap.
Fight club was edgy
But I don’t like fighting.
MGTOW was compelling
But I’m fond of white-knighting.
So here I was, trapped
Between primness and zeal
Before I found out
That’s what most people feel.
The thug life chose me
But because I abhor it
I friend-zoned the thug life
And we’re both better for it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 