I see little boys and girls
With very unique names
Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,
Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.
Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,
But “Crookshanks…” not so much.
So here are some modern names
I think are better much:
Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,
Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,
Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.
Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!
Filed under Poems
It may have been love
If that’s what you call it,
‘Cause I liked her tits
And she liked my wallet.
As it turned out later
Hers and mine were both fake
But we both loosed our hair buns
And took what we could take.
Filed under Poems
At first today my heart was pained
By knowing every team
In the NFL I cared about
This year had lost their dream.
Then my brain switched on a light
And I did realize
Two teams I strongly dislike
Have to get hit by guys twice my size,
That excellence and victory
Brought them 4 weeks of extra pain
For a 50/50 shot
At a trophy they might gain.
And somewhere betwixt my brain and heart
I realized how futile are rings and crowns
And found new admiration
For the 49ers and the Browns.
If you need special education
And can’t digest information,
If you need special education
Thump your chest!
(Thump thump thump thump…)
Filed under Poems
Some Americans on food stamps
Are demanding food for pets,
‘Cause “pets are more than something that you own.”
I say cut the stamps
And let Lady eat the tramps…
Save money and kill two birds with one stone!
Filed under Poems
I wonder if spies
Get to choose their codename…
I mean, “Stallion” is great
But “Gelding” is lame,
And for every Thunder,
Placebo, and Drake
There’s a Lumbar, a Bubba,
A Plumpy, a Rake.
If anyone who spies
Is reading this… yo!
Give me a shout out
‘Cause I wanna know.
It’s very important
For my future end.
Thanks for your help!
(P.S Writing for a friend)
Filed under Poems
If the fact that night’s black
Somehow strikes you as racist,
If you’ve slacked off on the lotion
And your skin has a cray cyst,
If you drink green smoothies
And fly “coexist” kites
You may not have the blues
But you’ve sure got the whites.
When your three-year-old son
Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”
And your instagram buddies
Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”
If you’re upset you don’t need
To fight for your rights
Then I’m sorry my friend
But you may have the whites.
If Samuel L. Jackson’s
Your “number one bro,”
You think its fine to say “moron”
But not to call someone “slow,”
If you think the dragon’s
Misunderstood by the knights
Then give your friends sunglasses
‘Cause you’ve got the whites.
But if you’ve got the whites
There’s no need to be sad.
It’s not your fault your existence
Makes everything bad.
One day we won’t judge people
Based on sex, race, or fat…
If only all the fat rich white males
Could understand that!
I hear the sound of fallen snow
Like the moment before applause,
The echo of previous silence,
A silent question’s pause.
My ears softly ring
From what’s no longer there.
And I silently sigh inside myself
And lie back in my chair.
Where once I was an emperor,
A man respected, feared,
For whom the wicked trembled
And for whom the righteous cheered,
Now I sit, a man alone,
Completed in rebirth.
In the silence now I tell myself
“I thought the other button nuked the Earth!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 