Tag Archives: America

January 14, 2018 · 10:48 am

I Tried To Write A Blues Song…

If the fact that night’s black

Somehow strikes you as racist,

If you’ve slacked off on the lotion

And your skin has a cray cyst,

If you drink green smoothies

And fly “coexist” kites

You may not have the blues

But you’ve sure got the whites.

When your three-year-old son

Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”

And your instagram buddies

Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”

If you’re upset you don’t need

To fight for your rights

Then I’m sorry my friend

But you may have the whites.

If Samuel L. Jackson’s

Your “number one bro,”

You think its fine to say “moron”

But not to call someone “slow,”

If you think the dragon’s

Misunderstood by the knights

Then give your friends sunglasses

‘Cause you’ve got the whites.

But if you’ve got the whites

There’s no need to be sad.

It’s not your fault your existence

Makes everything bad.

One day we won’t judge people

Based on sex, race, or fat…

If only all the fat rich white males

Could understand that!

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January 2, 2018 · 12:20 pm

Here’s Where “All The Good Men” Are Going

They said I could dance if I wanted,

But I didn’t pay them no mind.

I said my friends don’t dance

And since they don’t dance

I’ll happily respond in kind.

They said I could wink if I wanted,

Use my privilege as a white male,

But if the non-dancers

Spew their postmodern cancers

Then I’ll probably end up in jail.

The jail guys dance if they wanna.

They’ll dance with convict behinds,

And since they’re “oppressed”

They don’t second guess

To ask if their partner minds.

So thanks but no thanks to the dancing.

I’ll enjoy my private gloom

‘Cause I don’t want the event

Of past-tense non-consent

To be my freedom’s doom.

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December 22, 2017 · 9:47 am

On The Importance Of Proper Labeling

I hear the sound of fallen snow

Like the moment before applause,

The echo of previous silence,

A silent question’s pause.

My ears softly ring

From what’s no longer there.

And I silently sigh inside myself

And lie back in my chair.

Where once I was an emperor,

A man respected, feared,

For whom the wicked trembled

And for whom the righteous cheered,

Now I sit, a man alone,

Completed in rebirth.

In the silence now I tell myself

“I thought the other button nuked the Earth!”

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December 17, 2017 · 11:33 am

American Cuisine And Its Correlation To GDP

They said in school that GDP

(Or Gross Domestic Product)

Was a measure of economic power.

But this makes more sense to me

(For Gross Domestic Product).

Please excuse me as I go take a shower.

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December 13, 2017 · 11:40 am

Gridiron

Gray steam rises from the sod

Obscuring the outlines

Of eleven men who would be God

If their teammates become so first.

The sky is darkness no one sees

Behind the lightning wall.

The crowd is warm despite the breeze

And bravado shields a heart’s true thirst.

A coin is flipped, a ball is thrown,

And bodies slowly shatter,

A ring is forever. A broken bone?

A pittance to the undying.

And so they fight, part man, part boy

So does decay commence.

They’ll either bottle tears of joy.

Or else just end up crying.

Here we see the warriors die,

Although they call it play,

Our voice is one great battle cry

To lend the few our will.

No longer are our swords so deft,

But fantasy’s alive.

Long ago the dragons left,

But here there’s magic still.

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November 1, 2017 · 12:12 pm

Mr. Infallible and the Plague of Other People

In a very distant city

In some un-noteworthy land

There stood a shabby little shack

Which housed the one all-knowing man.

The man was very happy

Because he knew how to be so,

Yet he had a common problem

And away it would not go.

The problem he experienced

Was, despite his knowing all

The people who surrounded him

Would never heed his call.

A wolf would eat a neighbor,

A child would lose its way;

To the second he’d predict these

Yet the man still had no say.

He knew of no solution

And, knowing all, he knew no hope

So he lived a life of nothing

As a shack-dwelling all-knowing dope.

Yet the answer to his problems

Had been with him all along.

‘Twas the one thing he could not accept…

That, maybe, he was wrong.

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October 29, 2017 · 6:45 am

That’s Pronounced “She-it”

Apparently my teachers were wrong

And there aren’t boys and girls.

Turns out gender is “representational,”

Or so the new story unfurls.

Seeing that sex doesn’t matter

To whether you’re he, she, or other

I think we need a singular pronoun

That applies equally to one another.

In the past we were male and female

And likewise called he or she.

Apparently the gender-neutral

Is also important, so they tell me.

So I have an unbiased option

To represent them, me, and you:

We can just say humans are SHeIt.

It has all three pronouns, and also is true!

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August 15, 2017 · 1:04 am

Why I Love Football

This month we will experience

The NFL’s preseason

In which millionaires hit each other

Deapite the lack of any reason,

And we the fans will cheer

To kick our team’s rival’s posterior

Because we can’t play ourselves

Since we’re genetically inferior.

We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit

And somehow manage to sweat.

At the end half of us will sob

While half say “best preseason yet!”

Then we picture our team’s victory

And order larger pants

With the logo of some other team

That actually has a chance.

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August 8, 2017 · 12:41 pm

Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

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August 5, 2017 · 1:09 pm

Logic, American Dream Style

Monday through Friday

My heart’s only dread

Is that midmorning song

That says “get out of bed.”

Yet come days of Satur

And as well days of Sun

My heart sings in the morning

‘Til the day is all done.

For when clocks of alarm

Cracks serenity’s hold

And says “put on your clothes

“And go do what you’re told”

My vigor and pep

Aren’t what they used to be

Like when I was a child

And still blissfully free.

When instead of alarms

To the sun I awaken

And instead of my job

I get pancakes and bacon

My bliss flows more freely

And I feel stronger.

From now on I’ll work weekends

And be miserable longer.

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