Like oil in a lamp
Your body casts light
On those huddled around you
In the heart of the night.
Made brave by your radiance
We shall never tire,
But I still wonder why
Someone set you on fire…
Tag Archives: Misunderstanding
The Solvers and The Havers
Most men enjoy solving problems;
It gives them a meaningful life.
Alas, this is not something wanted
By most men’s eventual wife.
A man will fix up an auto,
A house, a business, a toy,
But it’s not solving problems but having them
That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.
A woman takes pleasure in saying
“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”
Because other women say “me too”
And by such connection grow close.
If a man tells another “I’m hungry”
Another will say “have a snack”
And the problem is solved with five words
And the men to their task may go back.
Now the trouble occurs when the solvers
Treat problem-lovers the same:
A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man
Says “go play a video game.”
Now if the woman obeys him
She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored
And thus need another discomfort
Until her drama-quota’s restored,
So the man has given a solution
Which really won’t help her a bit
So she says “you don’t understand me!”
And runs off and calls him a git.
The man is confused by her answer
But has a solution to that:
He says to himself “bitch be crazy”
And then changes the sink in his flat.
So men, if you want to help women
Be happy then here’s what to do:
Have lots of flaws in your character
So she’ll always have drama with you.
And women, you know how to please a man
And don’t need advising from me,
But (as a man I must say this)
Without drama how happy you’ll be!
Filed under Poems
Back When Some Men Weren’t Rapists
I remember yesterday
When to look at someone was okay,
When an elbow or a shoulder touch
Didn’t mean nearly so much.
I remember yesterday
When a compliment would make her day,
When “you look nice” was not a slur
When casually said by him to her.
I remember yesterday
When a man held doors and asked to pay,
When a bit of gentle care
Was not met with a dour glare.
I remember yesterday
When a guy could idly say
“What’s your number?” and not fear
Her screaming “rape” for all to hear.
So if you remember yesterday
In the aforementioned way
And know its loss would lead to sorrow
Let’s keep the past in mind tomorrow.
Filed under Poems
It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really
Today is Easter, as you know.
It’s also April Fool’s Day.
I think those go together
As they celebrate the way
That Jesus was all dead and stuff
And then suddenly he wasn’t.
The two holidays make sense to me
Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.
What also doesn’t make much sense
Is a question of this kind:
It’s that God sacrificed himself
To appease himself I mind.
Not only that, but if it’s true
That Jesus isn’t dead
Then why not find another way
To cure one’s Godly head?
It seems if you’re omnipotent
You could just say “hey folks,
“Get your shit together”
Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.
But I am just a human
And can’t be my own son
So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs
And let His will be done.
Filed under Poems
They Probably Met Online
Sharp and cold’s the flashing rain
Upon my black umbrella
Which I relinquish happily
Unto my new love, Stella.
Now her springtime golden tress
Is dry as my nervous mouth
For my journey takes me northward
While she vacantly looks south.
I stammer “what’s your number?”
As an adolescent might,
And I’ll never forget her eyes,
Dark blue just like the night.
“First you give me this thing,”
She says towards my umbrella,
“Then follow me for blocks
“Like I’m some sort of Cinderella?
“I won’t give you my number
“And I beg you, leave me be!”
Then she closed my umbrella
And thrust it into me.
And in that painful moment,
Twice breathless made am I
For my heart says “Dude, she saw you!”
Though my gut tells me to cry.
Thus as my tears join eagerly
The gutter’s growing moat
I wish her path be free of puddles
For I cannot lay down my coat.
Filed under Poems
The Problem With Democracy (My Perspective Matters More)
“Do you see what I see”
Is a stupid thing to ask,
For though the subject we both see
May be a boot or flask
I see it in the sunset
Flanked by gorgeous fall of night
But by virtue of an angle
You see it framed by walls of white.
I can see what you see
And you can see what I.
We can say “that is a boot”
Though we each use a different eye.
So why not on social matters
Cannot we likewise more agree
That if a thing’s more beautiful
To you than ’tis to me
That the thing itself objectively
Is, regardless, unaffected?
Because it doesn’t help dividers
Unite short-sight to get elected.
Filed under Poems
Seriously, Look It Up People!
Nixon heard of the Laffer curve
And thought it was a joke.
Reagan heard of the Laffer curve
And said “that’s why we’re broke!”
Obama heard of the Laffer curve
And asked “what did you smoke?”
Trump heard of the Laffer curve
And said “this is bigly woke!”
Most of you heard of the Laffer curve
For the first time just now,
You don’t know what it is
Or how it affects your chow.
So please look up the Laffer curve
So as to be better informed
And we can get to fixing
All the folks who’ve been social-normed.
Filed under Poems
And Who’s This Floyd Guy Anyway?
We could talk about the ego,
Super-ego, or the id
But I don’t think that does justice
To the amazing things Freud did.
Anyone can acknowledge
That people’s brains are weird,
Have a couch to lie on,
Or grow a snazzy beard,
But how many psychiatrists
Can also play guitar
Like Dr. Sigmund “Pink” Freud did?
That guy was quite a star!
Filed under Poems
Meanwhile, Sales Of Potato Peelers Among Vengeful Ex-Lovers Skyrocket
You ask me how I got these cars.
I say “at the Chevy dealer.”
Then I realize you said “scars”
And I say “potato peeler.”
I now know two things very well:
I look like an evil clown
And local sales of Chevrolets
Are going to go way down.
Filed under Poems
Why I Got A Hepatitis-F On My Biology Exam
“Hepatitis A
And Hepatitis B
Are differentiated by
The number of hours they study.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 